Now that I can write here, I don't feel like writing. Thoughts keep clouding my mind, yet I am not able to pour them out here. Would it help if I did? I don't know. But I am trying it.
I guess I shouldn't have spoken that statement about daughters and requiring more efforts. I don't know why I did, although there was no mean intent behind it and I was just playing on the words. But at other times, I might have just brushed away the thought of saying it out. Yesterday I didn't. And look what happened. Maybe it was bound to happen. Maybe there's some reason to it. I hope the magnitude of the harm done isn't too much. Although it serves as a good reminder and warning of what could have been.
So what if I don't like the many things that happened during the visit. So what if I felt slighted at times. So what if I have to hear the stories again and again. And hear about the glorification of class and etiquette and ethnic and poise and grace and so on. What if I was not being listened to. What if not even one thing was appreciated or praised. Atleast, I was quiet then.
Things will become complicated. There would be reproaches. There would be dissatisfaction. There would be problems. However hard I try. Which makes me feel what's the use in trying so hard. Even T says, I don't need to. So much can be done superficially. I should not let it affect me. Which is quite hard. I am affected and I am hurt. Not that I think there it was alright to say what I did. But that people could be so sensitive and so insensitive at the same time? Maybe I am too. Don't I say things that may not sound nice to others?
Is there anything in my control? No, except what I say or do. Can I learn to switch on and off emotionally, at will? I don't know.
Then there's the matter of T. I am comfortable with him. However, passionate? I don't know. Attached, yes. Only time will tell what's in store.
DOes it feel better now that I have written all this? Yes it does I guess. My speed is faster. My mind is sharper. Can I discipline myself through this. I don't know, but I could try.
Maybe I should create a list of "canned responses" in case of same old questions asked to me or responses expected of me in certain situations.
One article suggests and I am also reminded about suggestions from A about listing out the good things.
So let me begin with my family. The first family. For years I have been carrying a baggage. Of past deprivations. I do want to let go. However, when I am shown inadequate at various occasions, I go back to this sense of victimization in order to not take the responsibility of changing on myself. But yes, I have been trying and I have been sincere in acknowledging the rights and the wrongs. Sometimes the mind is so much full of these conflicting thoughts about your intentions that it's not difficult to get muddled.
Anyway, first my mom. I fight with her, scold her. I can't act like a helpless daughter in front of her. Or a loving one either. I have always been told to be strong. Maybe that's why it's difficult to act otherwise with her. I feel the need to protect her. To shield her from judgements of my other family. To give her something in return for all the struggles she has had to go through in life. She is forgiving and so much full of positive energy. Why did she have to get married to the jerk my father is?
Is it so bad to call your father a jerk? True, he gave me the education, and taught me words and paid for everything. But does that mean he is not a jerk or I shouldn't call him one? People with mental ailments shouldn't be called one or the ones who can be called jerks do not have mental ailments? I guess, medication is the only solution to make peace with him. To do things without his knowledge and not expect anything from him.
My brother. I have had a love hate relationship with him. Due to him, I have had a stunted personality in terms of taking actions. Not entirely due to him though. But his personality overshadowed mine as my academic achievements did to him. So we are square and now neither of us have much of our strengths left to individually shine out. I just hope, whatever he does now, he does it well. He sticks to his job for sometime and then does something to the happiness and satisfaction of all his family members. I wish, he gains the wisdom and streetwiseness that comes with age and experience.
Bhabhi, I hope she sees better times ahead. That she retains her positive outlook towards life and that she gets all she deserves, and maybe more. And that I can be a good sister in law to her always.
Aaditya, I hope he has a better childhood and life than any of us. That he doesn't grow up to be a negative person. That the good wishes for him from so many in the family, work together to make him a happy and positive person.
T, I hope I can continue to love him and that this love grows more everday. And that we can sort out anything that comes and overcome all difficulties.
Rest of them, I hope I have a cordial relationship with everyone. And that I never say anything controversial to anyone.
Next Step
5 things I will do to improve my relationships
1. Guard my tongue with everyone.
2. Don't call or contact anyone when feeling low
3. Get in a disciplined routine.
4. Don't look around at others and compare professionally
5. Keep walking
Amen
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